– Tips That Hold The Power To Transform Your Marriage

By: Pastor Kevin Berry

It always amazes me when I talk to couples that are preparing for their wedding. There is such a long, and at times, overwhelming list of things to do. There are flowers that must be picked out and ordered, invitations, dresses, tuxedos, a venue to secure, a meal to be catered, and the honeymoon to plan. Yikes. The crazy thing is that most people spend an enormous amount of time to plan the wedding, but they never plan for the actual marriage.

If you are thinking about getting married, if you’ve been married 40 years, or if your marriage feels more like a nightmare than a fantasy, you can experience the marriage of your dreams.

NUMBER ONE: DETERMINE TO BE A GOOD FINDER

Here’s the thing—you tend to bring about what you think about. If you think about the negative things in your spouse, you’ll tend to bring out the worst in them.

There is a reason the Bible says that love keeps NO record of wrong. Love doesn’t stare at wrong, it doesn’t focus on wrong, it doesn’t hold onto wrong. Marriages that go wrong start in the mind with what you think about your spouse. Marriages that are great also start in the mind… they start with what you think about your spouse.

You can train yourself to focus on the positive. Remember the spies that Moses sent out to look at the promise land? Ten focused on the negative, “There are giants there, we look like grasshoppers, the cities are huge and walled in.” So they said, “there is no way this thing is going to work!” While two other spies focused on the positive, “God is with us, nothing is impossible, the fruit of the land is great.” So they said, “let’s go take the land!”

They all saw the same thing, the difference is what they focused on. There is both positive and negative characteristics in your spouse—the difference maker is what you choose to focus on!

You can begin to experience the marriage of your dreams by creating a good finder list for your spouse. List all the good you see in your spouse. Read it every day and then begin to praise the good you see. It’s not enough that you have it listed on a piece of paper, it’s not enough that you notice the positive.

Thank God for the good you see, and be sure to thank your spouse for the good you see, too! This constant flow of encouragement will be a breath of fresh air and a first step to living the marriage of your dreams.

NUMBER TWO: GET RID OF ALL CRITICAL AND NEGATIVE SPEAKING

I’ve said for years, you deserve what you tolerate. If you tolerate a critical attitude in yourself, if you tolerate negative words coming out of your mouth, then you deserve the results you will receive. You have to begin to see your critical attitude and words for what they are: toxic and deadly to your marriage.

I recently had to go through airport customs and I was reminded about a lady who came back from Mexico. She knew she was not supposed to bring back plants or food, but she had snuck a houseplant home and put it in her living room. She noticed after some time that the stem of the plant was swelling up and getting bigger with every day. It now had a huge bulge in it that began to pulsate.

One day when she came home from work, she was greeted to a house full of baby tarantulas that had hatched from an egg that was inside the stem of the houseplant which looked so harmless.

The negative thinking and speaking, that critical attitude, if allowed to stay in your home, will one day birth something ugly and dangerous in your marriage. Hey, when you see a critical attitude in your life, when you hear negativity coming out of your mouth… treat it like it really is—something toxic and deadly that has to go!

Realize that 85% of all communication is nonverbal. Louder than your words are your facial expression, the tone of your voice, and the look in your eyes. Wow! 85% of what your spouse hears you say has nothing to do with the words that come out of your mouth, and everything to do with the way you say those words.

NUMBER THREE: LEARN TO THANK GOD FOR YOUR DIFFERENCES

Thank God we are not all the same. I don’t think my home, let alone the world, could deal with more than one Kevin Berry. Renee and I are very different, and I’m so grateful for that. As they say, guys are blue and girls are pink. We think differently, we process things differently, we see the same thing our spouse sees—but we see it differently. You can either let that frustrate you, or you can accept and thank God for making your spouse the way they are.

If you have been married for more than a week, you have discovered one thing for sure: you cannot change your spouse… you can only change you. Instead of focusing on the differences you see in your spouse that you want to change, do yourself a favor and look in the mirror. If you are going to change anything, let it start with changing yourself. Then, you can begin to step into the marriage of your dreams.

Jim Rohn once said:

“Your greatest value in life is not what you get, your greatest value in life is what you become!”

Most people are only focused on what they can get—the next job, the next promotion, the next big thing. Your greatest value as a Kingdom-minded leader has everything to do with what you are becoming!

When Darren Hardy was looking for a wife he made a detailed list of everything he wanted in a wife— what color hair, body type, temperament, disposition, attitude… and the list went on. Then one day he had a profound thought, “What must I become to attract this kind of a woman?” Wow… it’s one thing to know what you want in life; that is a great starting place. If you have never taken the time to write down 50 things you want in life—start there. But don’t stop there, do something all great leaders do and ask yourself what you need to become to attract those things to your life. You will attract what you are becoming!

So what are the dreams that the Lord has put on your heart? What are the things that you really want in
life? And what do you need to become to attract those things into your life?

Here are a few things you can become that will help you attract a whole new dimension of leadership in your Life Group.

1. Be prophetic!

Joshua said the words that every great leader must be able to speak with authority when he said, “This is what the Lord your God says!” (Joshua 3:8). He didn’t say, “this is what the latest book I read said”… or even “this is what Moses said we should do.” He boldly said, “This is what the Lord your God says!” The people in your family, on your staff, and in your church need to know that you hear from God. This requires time in the secret place, standing before the Lord!

2. Become a better thinker.

A man is what he thinks about all day long. If you spend your time thinking on negative thoughts… that’s what you will be—negative. We say about 180 words a minute, but we think 1,300 words a minute and your thoughts can either make you or break you. Determine you are going to get rid of all toxic thoughts. Successful people never hold on to bad things for very long. They won’t hold on to bad investments for long, they won’t hold onto bad relationships for long, and they certainly won’t hold onto bad thinking for very long.

3. Become consistent!

If you consistently do the right things over a period of time, you will eventually experience breakthrough! I grew up ice fishing with my dad and brothers. Dad would hand us the ice auger and tell us to start drilling holes in the ice. If we would stick with it, be consistent, stay in the same spot, consistently keep turning that handle, eventually we would break through the ice. So it is with your leadership. It’s not the one prophetic word, the one faith declaration, the one day in the secret place… it’s years of them all added up that make the difference!