In the years I have been a parent and foster parent, I’ve learned that real love isn’t easy, but it is worth it. I’ve caught the tremendous responsibility of raising children and realize that God has entrusted an eternal life into my care. That responsibility has challenged me to strive to operate out of a deep sense of love instead of other superficial motivations.

But what is love, really? Love can be interpreted and understood (or misunderstood) as so many things. However, in the context of parenting, love is best defined by one word— sacrifice. 

Kids Change Everything

When my wife and I started having children, we quickly learned that kids change everything. If we were going to succeed in raising children, we were going to have to give up some things. We’d have to give up things like sleep, food, money, time … you know, small matters.

We learned that sleep, or the lack thereof, was now managed by a very demanding 7-lb baby boss (who, ironically, had no concept of time). Food that we once enjoyed seemed to disappear off our plates into the bottomless bellies of two growing boys who ate like a couple of Tyrannosaurus Rex. And as our boys got older, time became so scarce that my wife and I had to manage our schedule like a Fortune 500 company in order to get our kids to the places they needed to be on time.

Don’t misunderstand me; I am not complaining, I’m growing. We all do through the beautiful process of parenting. Learning to love has everything to do with laying down our desires and wants for the good of someone else.

Laying Down Your Life

Jesus Christ once said, “He who finds his life will lose it” (Matthew 10:39 NKJV). This ought to be the foundational principal for any husband, wife, parent, grandparent, or even those who want to serve others well. When we put the needs of others above our own, that is the place where true love blooms.

I appreciate the words of William Arthur Ward, who wrote, “If you are wise, you’ll forget yourself into greatness. Forget your rights, but remember your responsibilities. Forget your inconveniences, but remember your blessings. You’ll forget your own accomplishments, but remember your debts to others. Forget your privileges, but remember your obligations. If you are wise, you will empty yourself into adventure.”

Ward’s words apply so well to the purpose and power of parenting. If we forget ourselves and live for the adventure of discovering real love, we will become wise and great parents that naturally reproduce that same love in our children.

Sadly, it seems that sacrificial love is being lost in the wake of a generation who are used to instant gratification, casual commitments, quick information, and fast food. Everything happens at the touch of a button. Love doesn’t grow instantly. Love is galvanized in the fires of perseverance. Regardless, a day will come when the next generation will become parents, and their children will test their patience, depth of character, and commitments. Will these new parents have the grit to stick it out and love their spouse deeply, raise their children selflessly, and forget themselves into greatness? I believe they can.

Ultimate Example

I believe anyone can succeed as a great spouse and parent if they look to the ultimate example of love. Jesus Christ was the embodiment of love. He is what love looks like, acts like, and talks like. If you chase true love, it will lead to Jesus. He is the Son of God, who is Love. (See 1 John 4:8; John 1:1-18.) When the Apostle Paul famously defined love in 1 Corinthians 13, he was describing Jesus. The picture Paul paints with those supernatural words should never become just wall art or sermon titles—it ought to become a part of our very being. Love is supposed to be our greatest aim and highest aspiration. And love is learned in the arena of marriage and parenting children correctly.

Well Done

Let me pause here for a moment. If you are a mother, father, grandpa, or grandma and have raised children who you couldn’t be more proud of, I just want to echo the words of Jesus and say, “Well done!” I hope you see Jesus, the Son of God, standing and applauding you. I hope you know that one day you will receive an eternal reward in heaven for every act of love you performed from a sincere faith and a pure heart. God’s makes it clear that He rewards those who obey His teachings and love others. (See Hebrews 11:6; John 14:1-4; Matthew 6:4)

Our children deserve to see love modeled in front of them by their parents. Love does not just translate intellectually—it has to be spiritually caught and deeply absorbed. Our example is what will liberate our children into the habits of love.

As WWII hero, David Webster, once wrote, “The things which are precious are saved only by sacrifice.” What is more precious than our children? I pray that this week you will digest the Word of God, specifically 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Don’t just read it. Don’t just memorize it. Digest it spiritually, and put it into practice on your children. Be patient, be kind, be content, be humble, be thoughtful, be truthful, be hopeful … be great.
– Joseph Mead

My dad is one of my best friends. However, it hasn’t always been that way. I’d say I graduated into his friendship through the process of parenting.

When I was a boy, my dad was my hero. I looked up to him … literally. In my imagination he could lift engines out of cars with his bare hands, could do no wrong, and was stronger than any other dad on the planet. I had a healthy fear of his authority and knew that I would be disciplined if I ever fell out of line. His strength gave me a sense of safety and security.

As a young man, my dad shifted more into the role of an advisor or coach. He gave me room to be unique and allowed me to own my decisions and ideas. He would simply buffer my thoughts against biblical principles to direct me as I started to wade into the waters of adulthood. It was up to me whether I would listen to my father’s wisdom or choose pain as my teacher. Basically, I was given room to make the same choice Adam was given in the Garden of Eden—I was given liberty to choose to obey or disobey. However, I would have to live with the consequence of my choice.

Now as a father, myself, my dad is still my best friend. I graduated into a mutual respect that was forged through trust. I trust him, and he trusts me. I learned that his way works (which he found by studying the Bible), and he saw that I was faithful. Through that process we now enjoy friendship and common values that create a unique and godly culture inside our entire family.

I recognize this discipleship process with my own children today. It is similar to how physical boundaries change as a child grows. For example, when my son was five he could ride his bike in our driveway and to our neighbor’s house. Once he turned 11, I upgraded his bike to a small motorcycle and let him motor throughout our entire neighborhood. Relationship boundaries change too—they are supposed to grow in order to create liberty, trust, and love. However, it is important to recognize the boundary lines are increased or decreased based on our personal choices.

The evolutionary process of parenting reflects what the Father God desires for us all. It’s what family is all about. This process is best heard in Jesus’ words when He said to His disciples, “No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:15 NKJV). We can also see this relational growth in Isaiah 41:5, when The Lord said, “But you, Israel, are My servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, The descendants of Abraham My friend.”  Abraham grew into friendship with God by obeying God’s voice, walking in faith, and reflecting God’s mercy.

God has designed a relational path for all of us to walk. It starts with the cross of Jesus Christ and leads to a deep and profound friendship with the Living God. The more faithful and obedient we are, the closer we get to Him. Likewise, we ought to mirror this process in raising our children. Below are a few parenting phases to consider. These are phases that I have seen in the life of Jesus and how He raised and released His disciples. It is a great framework for how to raise and release our children as well.

1. Lead by example. When children are very young, show them how things work and why we do things the way we do. The lifestyle you model should reflect an active relationship with Jesus Christ. He is love, and His ways always lead to life. As Jesus said, “But wisdom is justified by all her children.” In other words, your results are a direct reflection of your knowledge and ability.
2. Be a coach. Begin to release responsibility into the hands of your kids, then assist and advise. Give them room to make mistakes—that’s part of the learning process. This phase requires discernment to calculate how much room or responsibility your child can handle. Don’t move too quickly in this phase.
3. Cheer them on. Once we see that our children are faithful and able, the final phase is to step back and empower them to take the lead and be who God has called them to be. Our job is to cheer them onward.

– Joseph Mead