- The Dallas Morning News reported that the average couple, married ten years or more, spends only thirty-seven minutes a week in meaningful communication.
- A survey of counseling professionals concluded that poor communication is the number one reason couples split up.
It’s more than just quantity of words needed between two people, but rather the quality of expression.
You may say, “I’m just not that big on talking.” Communication comes in many forms: an affirming touch, a kind gesture, a sweet text, some thoughtful planning, listening close, and yes … verbalizing your feelings. Guys, don’t get nervous! The list of opportunities to engage, develop, stretch and grow goes on and on. If you’re not growing, you’re dying. It’s a simple principle of life, but true none the less.
My wife was away on a trip, and this was in the first year of our marriage. I wanted to do something special for her, so I went on a cleaning spree, which included washing all her clothes. Everything was going fine until I cleaned her cashmere outfit. After washing it, I put it in the dryer. To my horror, out came a tiny little suit. When she came home, my cleaning and prep work communicated love and attention. But when she found her favorite outfit six sizes smaller, she communicated understanding, forgiveness, love, and demonstrated a beautiful heart by throwing on her new-found, freshly cleaned cashmere bike shorts and halter top with a big hug, kiss, and laughter.
A marriage grows on the seeds of love and respect. Both must be communicated successfully. You and your spouse have a built-in protocol for access. Respect is a prerequisite for friendship. To assume access where a ‘bridge’ has not yet been built is both ignorant and disrespectful. Access is terminated. There are marriages that limp along not realizing they’ve either lost, or never found, their ‘bridge.’
Words spoken are seeds. Paying attention is a seed. Kindness, patience, and consideration are all seeds. Good seeds produce GREAT results. On the other hand, things like accusations, criticism, pride, and disrespect produce a harvest you’d pay to have removed. In fact, divorce is often a pricey attempt at undoing unwanted harvests.
Sometimes a problem needs to be addressed. Harsh words only close a person’s heart, therefore, shutting down any possibility of a resolution. Remember this: a conversation can never rise above the level set in the first three minutes. So, rise to that next level and get some height by using honor, understanding, and esteem in that first three minutes, or all your effort will be doomed.
To win at anything you must first define the goal. The goal in communication is AGREEMENT. Agreement is not sameness, but harmony. Biblical agreement is the symphony of thought and action, both in spirit and reality. Jesus said in Matthew 18:19, “If two agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.” The seed of agreement brings God on the scene. You’ve got the power. Sow the right seed!
– Pastor Stephen Marshall
