10 Practical Ways to Love

1. Listen without interrupting

“Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.” –Proverbs 18:13

Many times we interrupt someone because we are more concerned about “winning the argument” instead of really listening to understand and work together for a resolution. Interrupting is a mechanism many use to keep control of the conversation. God has not called us to control; He has called us to love. We are seeking peace and resolution with our spouses. Therefore, be patient and listen to the full matter. Lay aside any pride and work together on the issue, instead of winning the debate. 

2. Speak without accusing

“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” -James 1:19

Scripture tells us that the “accuser of the brethren” is the role Satan took when he chose to rebel against God (See Revelations 12:10) and was cast out of Heaven. When we lend our mouth to accusation, we invite Satan to use our life for his evil purpose. Avoid partnering with the enemy in your speech and speak from the position of grace and forgiveness, which is the seat Jesus gave us authority to sit in as His representatives. Remember that we were forgiven when we were still sinners, so treat others how Jesus treated you. Don’t accuse and shame. Forgive, rebuild trust, and move on.

3. Give without sparing

“Some people are always greedy for more, but the godly love to give!” -Proverbs 21:26

God’s nature is giving, and as His children, we ought to reflect Him in generosity. Many times we are tempted to withhold from our spouses because we fear they will take advantage of us. However “perfect love expels all fear” (See 1 John 4:16) and in order to really love, we must trust first. Instead of spending time worrying about a spouse’s motives, give because that is who you are—refuse to allow fear to rob you of the joy of giving. A giving heart is a greater treasure than any material thing here on earth.

4. Pray without ceasing

“So we have not stopped praying for you since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding.” -Colossians 1:9

I once heard a story of a husband and wife who came to see their pastor for marriage counseling. When they arrived at the church to meet the pastor, he greeted them at the door on a Monday afternoon and then walked them into the empty sanctuary of the church. The pastor said, “Both of you spend one hour in prayer for your marriage, and then I will meet with you to council you.” The couple was a bit upset, as they just wanted the pastor to tell them what to do. However, they obeyed his request and began to pray. The pastor returned an hour later to find the husband and wife embracing one another, weeping, and apologizing to one another. The pastor never had to said a word to the couple. Through prayer, they rediscovered the power of God’s love, wisdom, and peace. Remember that prayer gives us access to the Holy Spirit and all the power to walk in God’s ways (See Galatians 5:22).

5. Answer without arguing

“If a bird sees a trap being set, it knows to stay away.” -Proverbs 1:17 NLT

An argumentative person is a trap that most people will quickly learn to avoid. Be mindful of your tone and your motive. If you are upset, that is okay. But before you speak, be wise and take time to make sure your heart is in the right place and your motive is rooted in love. Agree to take some time to pray, cool off, and recalibrate your approach to how your loving Savior and Lord would have you respond.

6. Share without pretending

“But speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ” -Ephesians 4:15

I once saw a funny sign that read, “The first rule of passive aggressiveness is … you know what, never mind. It’s fine.” Marriage ought to be a safe place to express how we feel and not have to hide. “Speaking the truth in love,” means that we should not be afraid to say what needs to be said when motived by love and resolution. So share and speak without pretending. Be real, be genuine, and set aside any masks that hide who you really are and how you really feel.

7. Enjoy without complaining

“Do all things without complaining and disputing,” -Philippians 2:14

Complaining is the ugly offspring of pride and unbelief. As the people of God, we know that “contentment is great gain” (See 1 Timothy 6:6), and that thanksgiving is the very way we invite God’s presence into our lives and marriages. Stay thankful. Look for the good. Celebrate the small things and stay faith-filled and positive. I have heard it said, “to complain and compete is to live in defeat.” Be thankful and win with people.

8. Trust without wavering

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” -1 Corinthians 13:7 NLT

I recently read a study lead by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite that found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. Furthermore, they went on to conclude, that in these cases, there was no evidence that unhappily married people who divorced were any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married! Could it be that the benefits of quitting on marriage has been oversold? Trust is a big part of love. Trust is also established in the patience and waiting for love to do what love will do … if given the proper time and effort. Don’t give up!

9. Forgive without punishing

“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” -Colossians 3:13

This is huge! Let us never forget that our own salvation is in jeopardy every time we decide not to forgive. Jesus said, “But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:15). We enjoy God and the promise of eternal life because while we were still sinners God forgave us. God simply asks us to now do the same for others. In scripture, He gives us this beautiful picture of casting our sin into the depths of the sea (Micah 7:19), to remember them no more. If that is how He forgave our mistakes, then let us not continue to punish people for their past errors by bringing them up again and again. Forgive to the uttermost, because that is what Jesus did for you!

10. Promise without forgetting

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.” -Proverbs 13:12

A promise plants hope in our spouse because of the inherit guarantee found in our words. That hope gives life to all sorts of plans, actions, and good things. However, if we continue to violate (or forget) our word, we will eventually trample all overe hope and its outcome. The result of breaking promises is the rotten feeling of disappointment, and the eroded integrity and character of the person who broke their promise. When making promises, ensure that it aligns with your true desires. Then be responsible to uphold your word without forgetting and without wavering. The nature of a promise is made valid by its guarantee.

One Of Life’s Greatest Blessings

My life was radically changed when I became a Christian. My marriage was transformed, as well. My wife and I began what has become the most meaningful relationship of our lives.

It didn’t begin that way, however. Our first year was the worst. Filled with false hopes about what we could expect from each other, the marriage hit the rocks. If Barb hadn’t decided to stick it out, we would never have reached our first anniversary.

The next few years were not much better. I was into doing ‘my own thing’ and had little regard for Barb’s interests—an attitude unsuitable for a healthy marriage. Then came the change, and it was big.

One of the first things we did was re-state our wedding vows. When we were married in 1971, we never made a commitment to each other. We simply made up our own non-vows, leaving the door open in case it didn’t work. This time, however, we promised: “To have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, to cherish and to obey, till death do us part.”

Now, 45 years later, our experience is quite different.

We worship together. Frankly, I cannot understand how other couples survive without having a relationship with God. Many don’t. Praying, reading the Bible, and attending church together have literally made our marriage what it is today. Without doing these together, we would be lost.

We’re best friends. We enjoy being together. We share our joys and sorrows, our deepest thoughts and fears. As we unite to face our problems (and we do have problems), we grow closer. We’re complete.

God told Adam that it’s not good for man to be alone. He was right. I get lonely when I am away from Barb. Events are not as much fun. Life is not the same without her. Something is missing when we’re not. We were intended to be together.

We’re secure. We trust each other. We don’t worry about one of us running off with another man or woman. We know who will pick us up when we fall down. There’s great assurance in that.

We’re strong. Though one of us may be overpowered at times, two of us can stand the most difficult of circumstances. Together we are much stronger than by ourselves.

We’re satisfied. One night lying in bed, Barb told me that if she were to die that night she would be fulfilled. I feel the same way; I couldn’t ask for more in a wife. We try very hard to make sure the other person is happy. That’s what marriage is all about.

We’re in love. Not love in the Hollywood sense of the word, but in the biblical sense. Unconditional. Unselfish. Love that is action-oriented, focused on the other person, expressed in giving.

Barb and I marvel at what God has done. He took two completely different people, brought them together, invaded their hearts, and began to build a relationship representative of Jesus and His Church. Totally awesome.

God is faithful to the covenant of marriage and to those who seek to keep it. If you are married and believe in heaven, you need not die to experience it. You simply need to make the commitment to love your spouse God’s way. You will discover the divine institution of marriage to be among the greatest blessings of the human experience, “as the days of heaven upon the earth” (Deuteronomy 11:21).

We could all use some of those.

Terry Hart

Who’s On What?

“Can we have a great marriage?”  Well, as my grandfather used to say, “Now that’s the forty-eight dollar question.”  (It’s probably a lot more now with inflation.)  With God’s help, you can be a one ‘percent-er.’  By that I mean, you can have a marriage that is extraordinary, truly amazing, and the way God designed it to be.  There, I’ve already dropped the two big secrets of the mystery of a great marriage.  You have got to know the WHO and the WHAT of marriage.  Ignorance is not bliss but, rather, hell on earth.

God the Father is the inventor, copyright holder, patent owner, and author of this thing called marriage.  It does not work without Him.  Many people, even some Christians, mistakenly think marriage is an agreement between two people.  That’s the problem with not knowing the WHO of this amazing creation.  We tend to leave Him out of something that only works with His involvement.  God built Himself into the art of marriage.  You can’t have it, neither can you work it without Him.  Some have a form of marriage, but who wants a CZ when you can have a priceless diamond?

What would you think of someone using their upright vacuum cleaner as a coat rack?  What about someone using their car as a garbage can?  (I think I’ve seen that.)  This is what happens when you fail to recognize the value and purpose of something—you misuse it; even abuse it.

If your marriage isn’t working, could it be that you might need more knowledge of both the Maker and His invention?  I believe we can all use more of the knowledge of God, no matter where we are in the process of life and marriage.

Look at Genesis 2:18 and 23-24: And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”  Then Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.”  For this reason (the WHY) a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”

God wanted to invest His goodness into humanity.  Hear His words again: “It is not good that man should be alone.”  God invented marriage to be a covenant agreement, magnetically pulling His goodness into the partnership, the oneness, of a man and woman.  Vows of marriage made in faith bring that couple into a covenant (a promise of agreement).  Inside this covenant He obligates Himself to bless those who are inside.  Amazing!  Faith in God brings perfect love into your heart and multiplies into the heart of your marriage.

Marriage is more than just believing in each other. It is also believing in the One who made each of you. Your marriage can showcase the goodness of God, so get the Inventor involved on every level of your marriage.

– Pastor Stephen Marshall

Christ The Center

“That in all things He may have the preeminence.”
Colossians 1:18

The key to any successful relationship is what’s at the core. If the core of your relationship is based on good looks, a common interest, or even attending the same church, those friendships and marriages are on shaky ground. The one sure-fire ingredient for a meaningful and lasting relationship is having Christ at its center.

My wife, Barbara, and I have a wonderful marriage, going on 46 years now. It wasn’t always like this, however. The first three years were rough to say the least. I was a self-centered introvert, depressed most days, while Barb was the happy-go-lucky, just-put-a-smile-on-your-face type. Needless to say, it wasn’t working. In fact, less than a year into our marriage, she seriously considered leaving me. Thankfully, she had a confidante who advised her to stick it out. Then it got worse!

Because God was working in my life, I was groping along, looking for answers—in all the wrong places. I dove headlong into eastern religion and left Barb in the dust of meditation, a strict diet, and ‘restrained’ marital relations.

It was Christ who reunited us in the fall of 1974, when we both accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Since then we have made it our aim to put God first and each other second.

I love Barb. Sure, she’s a beautiful person inside and out. But the real reason I love her is because I value my relationship with God, and He tells me to love my wife as Christ loves the Church. In addition, I’m told that if I mistreat her in any way, my prayers are, well, “hindered.”

In the same way, Barb loves me. Not because I’m such a cool guy, but because she loves the Lord, and the Lord commands her to honor and submit to me.

What makes our marriage great is we both put our relationship with God above our relationship with each other. It is because of the Lord that we love and treat each other the way we do.

The same principle applies to all other relationships: parents, children, brothers and sisters in Christ, even non-family. If Jesus has first place in our hearts, then we love because He first loved us. We understand that if we say we love God, whom we can’t see, but fail to love those whom we can see, we’re missing the boat. The truth is if we call ourselves Christians, then Jesus must have the preeminence. If He comes first, it follows we must do what He says.

So, I love my wife, my family, and my friends because of, and out from, my relationship with Jesus Christ. Because He is at the core, the relationships I have both inside and outside of the church are “healthy, growing, and full of love” (Ephesians 4:16).

– Terry Hart

Talkie To Walkie

  • The Dallas Morning News reported that the average couple, married ten years or more, spends only thirty-seven minutes a week in meaningful communication.
  • A survey of counseling professionals concluded that poor communication is the number one reason couples split up.

It’s more than just quantity of words needed between two people, but rather the quality of expression.

You may say, “I’m just not that big on talking.”  Communication comes in many forms: an affirming touch, a kind gesture, a sweet text, some thoughtful planning, listening close, and yes … verbalizing your feelings.  Guys, don’t get nervous!  The list of opportunities to engage, develop, stretch and grow goes on and on.  If you’re not growing, you’re dying.  It’s a simple principle of life, but true none the less.

My wife was away on a trip, and this was in the first year of our marriage.  I wanted to do something special for her, so I went on a cleaning spree, which included washing all her clothes.  Everything was going fine until I cleaned her cashmere outfit.  After washing it, I put it in the dryer.  To my horror, out came a tiny little suit.  When she came home, my cleaning and prep work communicated love and attention.  But when she found her favorite outfit six sizes smaller, she communicated understanding, forgiveness, love, and demonstrated a beautiful heart by throwing on her new-found, freshly cleaned cashmere bike shorts and halter top with a big hug, kiss, and laughter.

A marriage grows on the seeds of love and respect.  Both must be communicated successfully.  You and your spouse have a built-in protocol for access.  Respect is a prerequisite for friendship.  To assume access where a ‘bridge’ has not yet been built is both ignorant and disrespectful.  Access is terminated.  There are marriages that limp along not realizing they’ve either lost, or never found, their ‘bridge.’

Words spoken are seeds.  Paying attention is a seed.  Kindness, patience, and consideration are all seeds.  Good seeds produce GREAT results.  On the other hand, things like accusations, criticism, pride, and disrespect produce a harvest you’d pay to have removed.  In fact, divorce is often a pricey attempt at undoing unwanted harvests.

Sometimes a problem needs to be addressed. Harsh words only close a person’s heart, therefore, shutting down any possibility of a resolution.  Remember this: a conversation can never rise above the level set in the first three minutes. So, rise to that next level and get some height by using honor, understanding, and esteem in that first three minutes, or all your effort will be doomed.

To win at anything you must first define the goal.  The goal in communication is AGREEMENT.  Agreement is not sameness, but harmony.  Biblical agreement is the symphony of thought and action, both in spirit and reality.  Jesus said in Matthew 18:19, “If two agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.”  The seed of agreement brings God on the scene.  You’ve got the power.  Sow the right seed!

– Pastor Stephen Marshall

25 Keys to a Joyful and Lasting Marriage

(in no particular order)

One of the keys to our marriage has always been to realize that we’re not experts and that our way may not be best for others. In fact, over the years, we’ve been asked to do “Marriage Retreats” and other types of events, and I’ve replied (with a smirk), “one of the secrets to our marriage is not speaking at marriage retreats!”  So, this list is not comprehensive or authoritative, rather, just a quick, random, spontaneous list from Netta and me as we sat together in Florida celebrating 25 years of marriage… Enjoy!

  1. Smile every day—often!
  2. Talk (and listen) to God before you talk to each other.
  3. Buy good toilet paper, and roll it over-the-top.
  4. Fight for your ‘sabbath day’—and make it count.
  5. The last one out of bed makes the bed.
  6. Say ‘I love you’ as often as you can! Also, compliment each other. Use lots of eye-contact.
  7. Don’t discuss important things when you’re overly emotional (angry, sad, depressed, etc).
  8. Laugh … A LOT!
  9. Don’t compare or compete with each other—revel in your uniqueness!
  10. Honor one another. Never tease or embarrass the other beyond what’s kind.
  11. Live translucent not transparent. Yes, allow others to see inside but not every detail.
  12. Live amenable (even better than accountable).
  13. Follow God’s dreams rather than expecting Him to follow yours.
  14. Make love not war. (And everyone just went, “Oooooo!”)
  15. Discipline in unity—be on the same team.
  16. Be present (alert and responsive) not just around.
  17. Take time away from ‘everything’ together, and at times alone.
  18. Make sure God remains head of the home and marriage.
  19. Don’t make your spouse your only friend—do different things with different people.
  20. Live above reproach (opposite sex, computers, free time, interests, etc).
  21. In disagreements or decisions, avoid words like ‘always’ and ‘never.’
  22. Communicate LOVE the way your spouse needs it, not the way you want it.
  23. Raise your children as individuals—no two are the same. Enjoy their uniqueness!
  24. Seek wisdom from those who have lived it—not just from peers, blogs, and books.
  25. Don’t think you’re an expert … EVER. Avoid writing lists for the first 25 years!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this little random list. I’m confident that we left out some essential things that may have made you think, “what about this?” — we’re just happy that it’s got you thinking, laughing, and reading. We’re SO THANKFUL for our marriage!

Life, marriage, and family are all wonderful ADVENTURES, not just tedious chores or mindless routines! Your path is planned by God and is filled with unexpected blessings and opportunities. IF you avoid the ordinary, you’ll live the extraordinary! This is our prayer for our lives and YOURS!

God is NEVER done with us. We need to always be improving, changing and LOVING! His grace, wisdom, and amazing kindness have allowed us to be surrounded by our five wonderful children (Mariah Lyn-24, Courtney Ann-21, Zoe Love-16, Maximus Aslan-12, and Chase Truth-10). What a joy! What an ADVENTURE!

More IN Love than EVER,

Chilly and Netta

© 2017 Chilly Chilton Ministries

 

All Joking Aside

– Funny man Mark Gungor offers his tips on the humor trade.

 

By: Stephanie R. Conner

 

Marriage isn’t always a laughing matter. Money causes stress. Kids drive you nuts. (And the in-laws? Let’s not even go there.) And when time is short, so are our fuses. Then, your spouse wants to drag you to some marriage seminar. “Really?” you ask. “What good will that do?” Well, if it’s one of Mark Gungor’s Laugh Your Way to a Happy Marriage seminars, you might walk away with a stronger marriage — and sore outs from all of the laughing. That’s because Gungor knows how to use humor—and not just in the obvious way (to make people laugh) but in a productive way (to teach valuable lessons).

Want A Happier Marriage? Be Nice.

Mark Gungor helps people improve their marriages — all while they’re having a good time. Plus, he and his wife have been married for 40 years, so we couldn’t let him get away without at least one tip.

“Two words: Be nice,” Gungor says. “Just be nice.”

He says married people who are told to be completely honest with their feelings have been led astray. “It’s the worst advice ever given. Good Lord!” he says. “Couples are emotionally vomiting on each other.”

It’s no wonder couples are on the verge of divorce when they aren’t kind to each other. “Just because you’re married doesn’t give you permission to be mean,” he says.

Talk things out? You bet! But invoke kindness. “It’s not rocket science,” Gungor says. “Be nice.”

More About Mark

Gungor’s marriage seminar was born out of his early days in the ministry. While he had plenty to say on a variety of topics.

“As a communicator, I want to build talks around things people need to hear about,” he says. “Find the need; meet the need.”

These days, he preaches on Sunday mornings at Celebration Church in Green Bay, Wis. During his sermons, he says, he strives to teach lessons from the Bible with a humorous style. But, he says, he knows it’s not for everyone.

“Some old guy got mad and said, ‘I don’t think you should be up there acting like a clown,’” Gungor recalls. “I said, ‘I’m not acting.’”

As if he weren’t busy enough, he also records five hours of television each week for the Mark Gungor Show, which is broadcast online. While his seminars and sermons are planned, his faith-based, humorous TV show relies on viewers, who email him questions. And this is where he really lets loose.

“It’s a show of brutal honesty,” he says, explaining that he often yells his advice at people. “I call it the meanest show in Christendom,” he says with a laugh.

Companies also call on Gungor for relationship advice and a dose of humor at corporate meetings. A corporate presentation on marriage may seem out of place, but it’s smart business.

“One of the things that sucks the life out of the productivity of their employees is when marriages go south,” Gungor explains. “A healthier employee is a more productive employee.” And marital health is part of that.

Plus, if employees and their spouses are attending an event together, spouses don’t want to hear about the business. But get people in a room and let them laugh for a while? That’s good for everyone.

Throughout his ministry, Gungor has found a way to make humor a key element of what he does. Curious how to make humor work?

Here’s your crash course, courtesy of Mark Gungor.

Humor isn’t just for laughs.

“When I get a laugh during a conference, it feels good. But unless I’m doing a stand-up comedy routine, guffaws are not my end goal. I have a purpose.

In my case, I do relationship seminars. When I talk about relationships, there tends to be a lot of resistance from the male side,” Gungor says. “Humor overcomes the objections right away.

Guys don’t want to learn about relationships; they want to laugh.”

If the subject is difficult, humor is one way to make it more palatable.

“I’m serving medicine that goes down a lot better with sugar,” Gungor says, “and humor is the sugar.”

Humor, he adds, has the added benefit of helping people to remember the message. Connecting points with emotion is the trick.

“And humor is an emotional thing,” he explains. “I can run into people two or three years later who can remember all my main points.”

Let humor diffuse tension.

“Comedian Ken Davis once told me that humor is truth with exaggeration and a surprise,” Gungor says. That truth and exaggeration makes humor a great tool for dealing with tense moments.

As a pastor, Gungor is accustomed to dealing with issues that can cause tension by their very nature. In fact, marriage might be one of the easier subjects he broaches in any given week. But he doesn’t shy away from tough topics.

“I play off the tension,” he says. “I make it work.”

Two events where Gungor shines? Weddings and funerals, he says. “You can get people laughing because nobody’s expecting it.”

During his talks, he faces some tough crowds.

“When you have a conference called Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage— unlike a comedy club where people are there to laugh — some are thinking, ‘You can’t make me laugh,’” he explains.

Humor lets Gungor ease the tension, allay his critics and get to the meat of his seminar.

Being funny is not the same as telling a joke.

Plenty of people see Gungor’s uproariously funny style and ask for his help.

“How can I learn to be funny?” some want to know. But you’re on your own there.

When Gungor is on the platform, he says, he’s simply talking the way he always talks.

“I’m not always telling jokes,” he notes.

He’s talking to people as if they were in his living room. And whether on stage or in his living room, he gets laughs.

Age and experience work.

As Gungor approaches 60, he says, his age (evident in his thinning gray hair) works in his favor. While humor has always been a gift, he says that as a young per son, he lacked credibility.

In fact, he went into the ministry in his 20s and gave up by the time he was 30. He felt he didn’t fit—that his outrageous style wasn’t appreciated or even worse, that it would get him into trouble.

In his mid 40s, Gungor was invited to speak to a group by a pastor who saw something in him.

“I stood there, and they clapped and laughed and howled,” he recalls. He asked his wife, “What’s changed?” His approach to speaking hadn’t changed. But his age and experience had. He was older.

He’d raised kids and had grandkids. That became a secret weapon. “The older I get, the more brash I can get,” he says with a laugh. “I’ll be insufferable when I’m 80!”

Credits: This article was first published in June 2013 by Speaker Magazine and adapted for Hope Today in April 2014.

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